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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25633186">A Promise</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/funnygirlthatbelle13/pseuds/funnygirlthatbelle13'>funnygirlthatbelle13</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Helpless [11]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Arguments, Caleb’s backstory angst, Confessions, F/M, Gift Giving, Pining, serious discussion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 10:35:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,603</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25633186</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/funnygirlthatbelle13/pseuds/funnygirlthatbelle13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>While stopping in Blumenthal, Caleb takes Jester to the place where his story began and they make a promise to each other.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Helpless [11]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1636885</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>150</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>A Promise</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi, guys! So... it’s been a while, but I hope that this makes up for it!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Caleb stared at the ceiling of The Frisches Brot Inn, heart pounding in his chest. They were in Blumenthal. After almost seventeen years, he was back. So far, no one had recognized in the midst of the rest of the Mighty Nein. But that could change at any moment. He needed to make things right before it was too late. With a trembling hand, he pulled out his copper wire.</p><p>“Jester,” he whispered, “I was thinking about going on a walk. W-would you please come with me?” </p><p>A pause, then.</p><p>“O-of course, Cay-leb. I’ll meet you downstairs, okay?” </p><p>He shut his eyes tightly before getting up. This was- he couldn’t believe that he was actually going to do this. </p><p>With a sigh, he stood up and made his way downstairs. </p><p>Albert, the old innkeeper, glanced up at him.</p><p>“You good, son?” he asked, accent heavy in Common.</p><p>Caleb nodded tightly.</p><p>“Ja, I just… going on a walk.”</p><p>Albert nodded. </p><p>“Cay-leb?” </p><p>He turned to see Jester, a cloak wrapped tightly around her. A tiny, soft smile formed on his face in spite of it all. </p><p>“Ready to go?” she asked.</p><p>He nodded, and they made their way to the door. </p><p>Blumenthal had hardly changed in the passing years, so it took no effort to begin making his way up the road once more.</p><p>“Hey, Caleb, I was wondering, um, are we gonna talk about…” Jester trailed off. Caleb watched as she stared at the ground.</p><p>Oh, Jester, he thought, They still hadn’t really talked about the incident with Isharnai’s curse. Though, given what he was about to do, the conversation seemed laughably pointless.</p><p>“Let me show you something first,” he mumbled.</p><p>And then you’ll never want to be near me again, he finished in his mind. </p><p>Jester nodded, and they continued their way down the main road, east, up and over a hill, following the path by the river that winded through the valley of wheat and wildflowers until they reached the hill where the Ermendrud house once stood. </p><p>It was strange, seeing this place so many years later. Though he had never imagined what the land looked like, a small part of him had expected it to stand testament to the crimes that took place there the same way Xhorhas showed evidence of the Calamity to this day. But even though the fire had been his own personal calamity, the earth did not seem to have paid mind to what had happened here. Purple coneflowers and yellow yarrow were blooming all over the land that he knew he had burnt. </p><p>Slowly, carefully, he began walking towards where his childhood home once stood. A hand grazed the plants as he walked. His keen mind summoned a perfect image of the house in exact detail, and as he crossed the threshold where the door once stood, he turned back to Jester, who was watching him nervously. </p><p>“This is where my childhood home was,” he explained, “This is where-where I ki- nein, I should start from the beginning.” </p><p>He closed his eyes as tight as he could. He had to do this. He had to. Marion had told him that Jester needed to make her own choice, and she did. But he couldn’t let her make that decision without knowing the truth.</p><p>“Y-you know that Astrid, Eadwulf, and I were all from Blumenthal and selected to go to the Academy together, ja?” </p><p>Jester nodded.</p><p>“Ja, well, um, you also know that… Trent Ikithon, uh, selected us to come to his cottage in the country for tutelage.”</p><p>“And that’s when he taught you how to be a spy and put all of those crystals of residuum in your arms,” Jester added.</p><p>Caleb’s head shot up. That was a detail he had never mentioned to any of them. How did she know? Was he talking in his sleep? Had she learnt how to read minds, or-</p><p>“I saw how you looked at it when we were completing that mission for Caduceus,” she said simply, “And I figured that it was probably the same magic crystals.”</p><p>That… made sense. He had almost forgotten, in all of his panic, just how clever Jester actually was.</p><p>“Ja,” he whispered, fighting to stop himself from scratching at his arms but failing miserably. Was the residuum still inside of him? Even he didn’t know.</p><p>Stay on task, Widogast, he reprimanded.</p><p>“Well, what I… what I didn’t tell you was the types of things we were learning to do. And how… hands on our lessons were. He would hurt us. He would have us hurt each other. A-and when he thought we were ready, he brought in traitors for us to hurt. Trent told us that they were dangerous, disgusting things, that killing them would protect our Empire, that the information we were extracting from them would be used to keep our Empire safe and strong. And we were happy to do that, proud to be ridding our homeland of this filth. But… these people, they were, you know, in hindsight, they were about as dangerous as Dolan and the Knights of Requital.” </p><p>Memories of screaming, of faces contorted in pain flooded his mind as Caleb shut his eyes as tightly as he forced them back down.</p><p>“And we wanted to. We wanted to kill those people. We wanted to. Just like when we- I am getting ahead of myself again. We were close to graduation when I came home for a visit. It was so good to see them again, my father and mother. I was making them proud, just like we had been proud of my father when he served his empire. But one night, I woke up. I heard voices. My parents, who were so kind and wonderful and perfect, were talking of revolution, of burning our homeland to the ground.” </p><p>“He had modified your memory, hadn’t he?” </p><p>Though he fought against it, shame rising from the pit of his stomach and swirling around his chest, he was unable to resist looking up at her. Jester had inched closer, though she did not seem to dare to come too close.</p><p>Good, he thought. She is safer that way. </p><p>He nodded and watched as her shoulders crumpled.</p><p>“Oh, Caleb-“</p><p>“But I-I went back to school and the others… we all knew what had to be done. Trent took us to Eodwulf’s house over that hill,” he said, pointing, “Where he slashed their throats. Then we traveled down the road to Astrid’s to have dinner with her parents, and she poisoned them. And then, when it got dark, we came here. Eadwulf helped me move a cart right here in front of the door… They had said they had wanted to see the Empire burn, so it seemed fitting. Besides, my, uh… gift with fire was well-known even then. So, I….”</p><p>The smell of smoke and sound of screams took over his senses as imaginary flames licked his skin.</p><p>“Caleb-“ Jester said, a cool hand coming to rest on his shoulder.</p><p>“Nein, I-I have to do this,” he muttered, shirking away from her touch.</p><p>You don’t deserve her, he thought. You never did, but now she knows. </p><p>“I-I-I set the house on fire. And we thought the job was done, that we had graduated… but when I heard my mother and father screaming, something broke inside of me. The other two were forced to subdue me. I burnt Astrid in the process. And then, eleven years in Vergessen, the strange cleric of the Archeart who sacrificed her sanity for mine, and I knew that they were innocent. I knew. And so I escaped. I… Veth and I did not meet for another four years.”</p><p>Shaking, he took a few steps further into the greenery that had overtaken the land. </p><p>It was done. He had done it. And now, all he had to do was wait for her reaction.</p><p>One minute.</p><p>Two minutes. </p><p>When was she going to scream? When would the damnation he was so totally aware of be echoed by the one who could somehow make him forget.</p><p>Plants crunched as Jester took his hand, cool skin against his as he barely stopped himself from jumping. </p><p>She was being kind, he thought, far kinder than he deserved. Giving him these last few moments of empathy… yet, a tendril of doubt rose in his chest.</p><p>“Oh, Jester,” he sighed, “Now you know why I feel sorry for you. But it will be alright now.”</p><p>“Cay-leb, I- what?” she stuttered, her grip on his hand loosening, “What’s that supposed to mean?”</p><p>Wasn’t it obvious? Why was she dragging this out for so long?</p><p>“Now that you know, you won’t have to be... inconvenienced by your-your feelings for me anymore.”</p><p>Jester pulled her hand away, and though he longed for her not to, a grim sense of satisfaction filled his bones. </p><p>Good. You deserve this. </p><p>“Caleb, I… I don’t know what I’m feeling but I-I thought you understood. You said you would try, Caleb. You promised that you wouldn’t-“</p><p>He finally gained the courage to look at her and was surprised by just how distressed she seemed. Stains of tears streaked across her cheeks, her hands were tightly clutching her hair, and her breathing was heavy.</p><p>“”I-I’m still trying to figure out what I want and… I think I want this. I think-I think I want you, Caleb, but I-“</p><p>The breathing that had been growing heavier and heavier had now become grasping, heaving breaths. Before the tears could resume their falling from her eyes, Caleb had breached the gap between them, hovering over her as he bit the inside of his mouth in concern.</p><p>This is all your fault, his brain reminded him, but he pushed that to the back of his mind.</p><p>“What are five things you can see?” Caleb asked.</p><p>“What the hell are you talking about?” Jester cried between gasping breaths.</p><p>“Five things you can see, Jester,” he responded firmly.</p><p>“I-I can see this purple plant,” she gasped, “And this yellow stuff. And my dress. And you. A-and the night sky.”</p><p>He glanced up towards the sky, noting that it was not truly black, but rather a dark, inky blue that lightened in certain spots.</p><p>“Good,” he muttered, keeping his voice as even as he could, “Now four things you can feel.”</p><p>“Um, the grass…. My heart is going pretty fast, so I can hear that. Th-the wind. And…”</p><p>Her eyes darted frantically around them for a fourth thing to feel. Caleb snapped his fingers and, at once, the familiar familiar was making biscuits in her lap. A tiny smile crossed Jester’s lips.</p><p>“And I feel Frumpkin.”</p><p>Caleb allowed himself the tiniest smile, the smallest moment of relief, before pressing on.</p><p>“Three things that you hear?”</p><p>“Frumpkin,” her voice sounded steadier, more solid now, “The crickets. You. You’re scratching again.”</p><p>He was and he hadn’t even noticed it. He grasped one of his hands in the other, squeezing tightly as he nodded at Jester.</p><p>“Two things you can smell?”</p><p>Jester sniffed the air a few times.</p><p>“Um… my momma’s lavender oil,” she mumbled, “And Frumpkin- he smells like you.” </p><p>“And one thing you taste.” </p><p>Jester’s face scrunched up in confusion.</p><p>“I-I don't,” she began, but stopped as Caleb pulled licorice from his component pouch. </p><p>Smiling, she took it from him.</p><p>“Licorice,” she muttered, “I taste licorice.”</p><p>They sat together in silence as Jester chewed on the licorice as Caleb watched her intently.</p><p>“Better?” he asked.</p><p>She nodded.</p><p>“Ja, I don’t know what that was but thanks.”</p><p>Caleb eyed her curiously as he collected the right words before daring to speak.</p><p>“I-I am not a physician, but it looked like a panic attack to me.”</p><p>Jester frowned as she pulled her knees to her chin, a finger tracing shapes in the grass.</p><p>“But… why would I have one? And why right now?”</p><p>Caleb frowned. This was… well, it was hardly the direction he had expected the conversation to go, but Jester needed him, so he needed to step up.</p><p>“Well, um, you have a lot of responsibilities and… I-I know you do not want us to worry and so you keep it inside. But it has to get out eventually. What I told you was just the breaking point,” he muttered the last part darkly. </p><p>Jester chewed on the licorice as she continued playing with the grass for a few more seconds before looking up at him.</p><p>“Do you,” she began, “Have you ever- do you have panic attacks, Cay-leb?”</p><p>“I-I used to a-a lot,” he mumbled, “Um, that countdown was something Veth and I would do to help. But, um, I haven’t had one since… since you were taken by the Iron Shepherds.”</p><p>Jester glanced up at him, the tiniest of smiles on her face. He wanted to smile back, to make her feel better, but knew he shouldn't. </p><p>“From what Veth said, you really took charge then,” she mumbled, “You saved me and Fjord and Yasha.”</p><p>He could feel his cheeks warming up against his will as he tried to repress the memories of when they had been taken. That had been when he had first realized how much he had grown to care for all of them, but especially the sweet young woman who had continuously puzzled and delighted him. </p><p>Jester mumbled something under her breath that he couldn’t quite make out.</p><p>“Was? What was that, blueberry?”</p><p>Her cheeks flushed purple as she mumbled only slightly louder.</p><p>“Did you love me back then?”</p><p>She deserves to know, he thought.</p><p>“I was starting to.”</p><p>She smiled, one of those small, vulnerable, real ones that made his heartbeat hasten. Gods, he was so pathetic.</p><p>“Wow. That was so long ago.”</p><p>He nodded.</p><p>“I-I tried to stop it. I didn’t want you to get hurt because of me.”</p><p>“Cay-leb! You’re doing it again!” Jester cried, “You’re doing the thing where you hate yourself for no good reason again!”</p><p>“Jester… you know what I’ve done.”</p><p>She rolled her eyes. </p><p>“I’m not- Caleb, you didn’t know what you were doing. Trent Icky-thon had modified your memory, and that’s really powerful stuff. And he’d been, like, brainwashing you since you were a kid! You’re a good person, Caleb. You’re so good that even after all that he had done to you, after all that training and torture, you still fought against it. And even if you hadn’t right away, I would still think that you’re a good person.”</p><p>He stared at her, jaw dropped to the ground. The tendril of doubt and disbelief that had been growing inside of him had made its way around his lungs, wrapping around them so tightly that he could not speak.</p><p>“I’ve seen you, Caleb. And I’ve seen all the ways that you do good. How you invite Beau to study with you so she doesn’t have to act like a nerd alone. How you use super powerful spells to give us a boost of confidence. How you always make sure to take us home to Nicodranas. How you make me tea after I have a nightmare and don’t get mad when I hit you in the face. How you fought so hard to stop the war even after everything the Empire did to you. Those are the things that a good person does, Caleb. And those are all things you do.” </p><p>He stared at her, too many conflicting thoughts and emotions messily jumbled in his mind, each fighting to be heard.</p><p>“So you are not mad at me?” he blurted out. </p><p>Jester sighed.</p><p>“No, I’m- I mean, I’m really mad at Trent; we definitely need to kill him now. But I’m also mad that you thought, after everything, that this would, like, make me hate you! I… I really care about you, Caleb.”</p><p>His head shot up. He knew this, deep down. Otherwise, his kiss would have done nothing to break Isharnai’s curse. But still, hearing it out loud…</p><p>“So… now what do we do?” he mumbled. </p><p>Jester sighed.</p><p>“I don’t know,” she whispered, staring at the ground, “I-I care about you, Caleb. I care about you so, so much. And… I like the way you make me feel when we’re together. But I don’t think- I don’t think that I’m ready to, you know, to have that kind of a relationship.”</p><p>Caleb bowed his head. </p><p>It made sense, he thought. A wise decision. Though its wisdom did not make it easier for him to process.</p><p>“I-I don’t think I will ever be the man you deserve,” he mumbled, “And I don’t want you to hold yourself back for me. I… I care about you too much.”</p><p>Not that he didn’t long to be that man, when he dared to dream of a future for himself beyond tearing down the Assembly. Alone at night, he would imagine what it might be like to hold her close without feeling the guilt he so often did when they were together.</p><p>Jester opened her mouth as if to protest before closing it and nodding.</p><p>“What are we gonna do now?” she said with a sigh that made her seem far more mature than she normally let on. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” he mumbled.</p><p>“Caleb, I’m not mad at you,” she assured, “I mean, I am. This was a really shitty plan you came up with. But I know why you did it. And part of it is that I’m mad that all the things that happened to you did. And I’m also wishing that I’d fucking done something to-“</p><p>“Nein,” he cut her off, his voice coming out sharper than he had intended for it to, “You… it is not your responsibility to fix me, Jester. I-I have a lot to work on, and if it weren’t for you and Veth and the Nein, I would not even believe that I had a soul to redeem anymore.” </p><p>He glanced up at Jester, who was staring up at the inky blue sky. Ruidus was nowhere to be seen tonight. But there were many stars twinkling in the distance, and they were sparkling in her eyes. </p><p>She’s wonderful, he thought, absolutely wonderful. </p><p>He reached out a hand so that it was a few inches away from her, a silent invitation. </p><p>Familiar cool fingers linked with his own, and his heart began to race as they held hands. </p><p>How could this be real? It still felt too good to be true, even if it was hardly a happy ending. </p><p>Well, to be fair, this wasn’t an ending at all. </p><p>He had been absentmindedly running his thumb across her fingers, each of her rings bringing a pleasant texture against his skin.</p><p>Out of nowhere, Jester gasped. Caleb whipped his head around to see her eyes lit up and looking directly at him.</p><p>“I have an idea,” she said, “A… it was something I read in one of my books. There was this big war going on across the seas, you know, it happens. And the knight had sworn to protect the land and had to do his duty and the peasant girl was like oh no how will we ever be together now and-“</p><p>She began blushing</p><p>“Sorry, got carried away there,” she mumbled, staring at her hands.</p><p>“No, keep going,” Caleb insisted. </p><p>You spent so long reading these stories alone, he thought, the least I can do is listen.</p><p>A tiny smile formed on her face as she looked back up at him.</p><p>“Well, long story short, they couldn’t be together just yet cuz he needed to deal with his thing with the war and she needed to prove that her father was innocent to restore her family’s honor. But they made a promise so that they would know exactly when they could be together. They gave each other tokens to exchange when they were ready. And then an evil knight stole her locket and he had to duel him for it and- it was a silly idea, nevermind.”</p><p>A token. He had also read stories as a child of brave knights receiving tokens from fair maidens, but never under the circumstances Jester had explained to him.</p><p>“No, it’s- I like that idea,” he said.</p><p>“Really?” Jester said, her voice cracking in a vulnerable way he never heard when the others were around.</p><p>“Ja, he mumbled, “Let me just…”</p><p>He trailed off, thinking of what he could give her.</p><p>Be kind to yourself, Mr. Caleb. I don’t want your pockets to get too heavy.</p><p>Well, there was that.</p><p>He pulled out the wand made of blackened wood gifted to him by Calianna, twirling it in between his fingers for a brief moment before placing it in Jester’s lap.</p><p>She stared at it, biting her lip in thought before nodding. He was about to ask her what she was thinking when she began twisting a ring off of her finger.</p><p>“Here,” she said, “My token.”</p><p>It wasn’t just any of her rings, he realized. It was the fire opal ring, the very first thing he had seen when his mind had been cleared of the feeblemind spell. Even in the dark of the night, the rose-shaped stone and silver vines gleamed and glittered in a way that captivated him.</p><p>They sat there in silence for a little over a minute, each staring at the token they had been given. It wasn’t much, really, in the grand scheme of things. Just a promise. A promise that when they were ready, maybe…</p><p>But as Caleb sat in the overgrown ruins of his past, nothing else seemed quite so precious.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I hope you liked that! Please let me know if you did!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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